God has a way of bringing us back to himself
As someone who grew up in the faith, it didn’t become real until I entered college. I was alone, a freshman, in a sea of new faces near and far. With a freedom childhood did not provide because our parents do their best to protect us until society says we’re grown. Some call it strict. But I do not believe in the sacrifices of my parents, especially my mother, for me to get this new freedom and go buck wild. The tension of growing up was evident. I went to college down the street. One hour and some change away, without a car, because they wanted us to have the real first year experience. My first time away from home and anxiety came knocking. I had a choice to make, to keep running from my internal turmoil or stand face to face with what was keeping me up at night. I used to walk the college campus at night alone, running from myself, with myself, now realizing God’s hand in it.
He has a way of bringing us back to himself.
This is a story on being kept. On God bringing us back to himself, at all times, no matter the cost. He says it’s not his desire for any of us to perish and I believe it [2 Peter 3:9]. I truly believe God constantly leaves the 99 for us, the one [Luke 15:4]. At each phase, like a newborn into adulthood, God knows where we are, what we struggle with, and slowly gives us more freedom, responsibility, and expectation of what he desires of us. As a new babe in the faith we’re zealous. We see the possibilities. We’re immature. We interpret scripture through our limitations and pain. And here, God teaches surrender. He teaches the ability to be still and know [Psalm 46:10]. To know his voice and follow. We become soberminded. Transforming. Willing to lay down what doesn’t please him for his desires. When the bible says God will give us the desires of our heart, we often skip the part where it says when we delight in him [Psalm 37:4]. It’s in relationship with God, our heart becomes synced to his, and our desires become the desires he has for us. This is why God says to seek first his kingdom and righteousness and everything we need will be added onto us [Matthew 6:33].
Need and want are two different things and this is where we’re constantly walking the tension rope of what our flesh wants and what God needs for us. In my stillness, I am learning it’s more simple than it looks, but the human nature makes it the most uncomfortable complex topic. We selfishly want what God may not want for us. Often building a ladder to a place where there is no oxygen. We try to make a name for ourselves, when the focus should be to amplify God’s. But that feels wrong. Uncomfortable. We want the glory. And yet God still walks with us, guiding us gently like clay on the potter’s wheel to be more like him [Isaiah 64:8], without trying to be him.
There are a few key moments that stand out that rocked my faith in ways I will do my best to explain, each bringing me back to God. A friend taking me out to lunch to question how I knew God was real my sophomore year of college. One of my grandfathers dying of a different belief. Hospitalization for a panic attack going into my senior year of college. A breakup from a relationship I knew would lead to marriage. Moving to a new state by faith. Marriage. Now motherhood. Each a topic on their own. But all defining moments for a specific chapter in my life where I can sit with and see God even when he felt distant.
I remember sitting at the dinner table with a friend, sobbing because I couldn’t defend my faith, and felt his desperation to want resolve. I just knew God was real. And I vowed to never be in a situation where I couldn’t defend my faith [1 Peter 3:15]. Then my papa died. Death feels so unnatural even though it’s the one constant all of us will experience. When he died, I was set on fire. To know God. To seek God. To share my faith with others in hopes they too will want the same God I knew. Then in the midst of seeking God, heading towards graduation, a panic attack came upon me leading me to become hospitalized. I stood in the mirror a day after telling God if he was real, he had a year to prove it. The decision to journal wasn’t dramatic. I just started writing. It wasn’t until a year later, in the middle of my first real breakup, reading back through those entries, that I realized I had been collecting evidence of God the whole time without knowing it.
Moving to a new state was the first major decision I made entirely out of obedience. Three years into a wholehearted surrender, I went with big promises in my heart in the midst of a pandemic. What met me instead was grief, for four years straight. And yet, God was still there.
And as life progressed, I lost my way.
Not in backsliding.
But in disappointment.
At my big age, nine years into the moment I looked into the mirror and said God I’m giving you a year. After all the documentation through journaling. All my collection of stones to remember what God’s done [Joshua 4:6-7], I stopped trying to remember. I fell into the abyss of hormones and postpartum. I stopped reading my bible. Made excuses to not attend church, pray, journal. And yet God has been here all this time. My life doesn’t align with the timeline I had for myself. My career isn’t what I desired. My marriage is hard. Motherhood has been the easiest part of the process. Raising her came naturally, even when the hormonal side blindsided me. I could show up for my daughter even when I felt like I had lost myself.
And God.
In all of it was always there.
He has a way of bringing us back to himself, even when we get wounded by expectations that don’t play out how we’d like. Surrounded by so much sorrow, joy can be hard to find. And it’s in the silence, the kicking, screaming, cursing, spiraling, or even intentional hardening of heart, the still small voice continues to speak [1 Kings 19:12]. That one day, we soften. The clouds don’t seem so foggy and it’s there God is saying my child, welcome back.
Prayer gets easier.
Reading doesn’t feel as daunting.
Your energy returns.
And those key moments that rocked your faith become reference points for all God’s done.
I owe it to God for allowing me to be a mother that’s helping me understand unconditional love. I love her so much it hurts. I see her. And want to be the best version of myself, alongside her dad, guiding her to live a life sold out for the one that created us all.
God has a way.
And I encourage you, in the doubt, frustration, disappointment, to see he’s there. He’s always been. Gently guiding you to himself. Look back at moments you tangibly saw his hand. Now lean into knowing him for who he is and start again.
Your ability to show up even in hard moments is commendable.
Those hard moments make you.
As he will never leave nor forsake you, even when you do [Hebrews 13:5].
In intention,
Janae Carlee