What if I had just stayed?

In postpartum, even 10 months down the road, my brain loops in places where I feel physically stuck. I run through a thousand scenarios a day, but can’t seem to break through. I see the possibilities. Yet they feel out of reach.

Maybe it’s just hormones.

My ambition is gone.

Any other mamas feel this way? Even mentioning it seems taboo.

The last time I really felt like myself was before the pandemic. Somewhere in college, when life was carefree, and I had a few years left to graduate. I had a plan and the creativity to see it through. Then Jesus found me in the discomfort of anxiety, attempting to creep in. I started seeking God, and since then, I haven’t been myself.

That question follows me now. What if I had stayed in design? Stayed consistent on Substack in 2020? Stayed the course on YouTube back in 2016? What would my life look like if I had just stayed? The unfinished roads are heavy. And postpartum cracked them all the way open.

I didn’t know following God would be so hard.

And honestly, it’s the transition from naivety to awareness nestled into adulthood. Childhood bliss fades when reality hits. Seeking God brings an awareness of the sorrow around and within us. We struggle to find joy and peace, always needing to keep God top of mind, or we may lose our minds. It’s the awareness of transformation occurring the moment you sense there is more to this life than what you’ve been chasing.

And yet it’s true.

To die is to gain.

To leave alone or behind what you thought and embrace what God said takes courage.

Losing yourself is a part of the plan. Once we stop resisting it, we realize this is what the caterpillar feels moments before it enters its cocoon. The cocoon becomes the place of possibility. Will we see it through to metamorphosis? Will we come out stronger and more refined, like gold? When we hold onto God, even in silence or struggle, we open ourselves to hope and new life.

We’re constantly shedding ideas. And it’s not that we gave up. It’s that we realized it takes more in the middle to form the larger picture.

The caterpillar doesn’t know what it’s becoming. It just trusts the cocoon, and so do we. What if you had stayed?

Janae Carlee