When God winks find you

Let’s not act as if postpartum didn’t almost take me out. I talk about it often because it’s a real experience that is difficult to explain to those who haven’t been through it. Add low iron and a myriad of other things, like keeping a baby alive, while navigating newness and watching loved ones walk through their own hardships, I thank God often that I am alive, in my right mind, to write about it.

God winks often find me when I need them the most. Whether it’s a dream or an encounter browsing the grocery store, God knows what I need, when I need it, especially on this side of awareness. After a while of silence, maturity, and remaining consistent with my iron pills, I am starting to see them again.

I was once zealous for the Lord. I desired to teach his word, using various mediums like writing and podcasting. Naive when my mom would say I haven’t lived enough life yet to understand. Wisdom found me through experience. I moved to Texas by faith during the pandemic, and disillusionment came knocking. I read a book a few years back that talked about the night seasons. Night seasons are where our faith grows the most. And boy, did my faith grow over the last few years, so that my zealousness turned into steadfastness. Where my eyes stay on God, even when disappointment hijacked the conversation. I learned where my trust was not.

For the last few years, dreams have been hard to come by. And I ponder often between the lines that we call faith and spiritual psychosis. The thought has been on me heavily. The way social media has polarized topics and people, I’m exhausted, and using my voice doesn’t seem like the best choice as of late. I am wrestling with what the Lord desires me to speak. Not a wrestle that keeps me up at night, but one that only surrender can unravel. I figured as I write and show up in this space, God will meet us in it.

I am not ashamed to admit that it’s been a quiet few years. The way he speaks to me is different. His presence is felt. I’m just not the same woman I was before life started teaching me lessons that would ground my faith and test it at the same time. I’ve had to sit with hard questions and real moments of people struggling in their own regards, while trusting God to see us all through. My body responded through bracing and pain before my mind realized what was happening. I was numb, angry, and desperate for this phase of the process to conclude. It hasn’t fully ended; I’ve just learned to see it through a necessary lens. Where I show up despite what it feels like as I step, the next step is revealed. It’s hard not to notice the God winks that surround me.

Where God shows up in a dream, reassuring a friend that all his decisions have led him to here, and God is with him in whatever decision he makes moving forward. In faith, I send a text to that friend on the opposite coast from me, and within a minute he responds in awe because he’s having a conversation as I sent the text with a parent around a decision he needs to make. God wanted him to know that he is with him in whatever decision is made because it’s made from the place of relationship with him. A moment that stopped me in my tracks. A holy awe returning. Yet, a silent uh oh because in the midst of some chaotic dreams, and moments of saying no thanks, I don’t like that dream, I had a dream about another peer, but didn’t speak up then. This time I did, and it was a God wink. I needed to know God is still speaking, and I get to have front-row access as he allows.

Then fast forward, still relishing in the awe of what God did for my friend. I take a trip to the supermarket with my little mini, and as beautiful as she is and social, I get stopped every 3 to 5 minutes by people speaking to her, telling me how beautiful she is, blessed I am, or in awe of how much joy her beautiful smile brings them. We pass a woman in a mask—a simple interaction. Or I thought. My baby waves; she melts; I say Have a great day, we depart. It’s quick, in passing, I think nothing of it as I turn on the aisle to get my girl some applesauce pouches. Next thing you know, this same lady is walking up beside me, mask off, letting me know how blessed I am with a precious little one like mine. My baby brings me so much joy. She lights up a room. I am indeed blessed.

This lady proceeds to share how people can never guess her age and are in awe when they find out. She asks me to guess. At this point, I am stuck between "wait, what is happening?" and "let me engage out of respect and awe," because she’s probably older than I am going to say, but me guessing 70 and her saying 87 sent me into pure bewilderment. 87? Looking as good as you, hair done, nails done, outfit laid. The woman was beautiful, and 80 nor 70 were on my radar. She proceeded to tell me that it’s Jesus and to keep my eyes on him. That’s the testimony. If God can keep her, he can keep me, and anyone who allows him to be their anchor and guide.

It’s important to note that I am out of the postpartum trenches, but the residue of anxiety lingers. There are things I think about that stress me out and almost send me over the edge. This moment was a God wink of reassurance that God hears and sees me, and I have to keep my eyes on him through all the clutter and noise. She hugs my baby because she’s 87. 87-year-old strangers are allowed to get hugs from my baby if my baby lets them. And my girl initiated the hug. It reminded me of a conversation I had with my mom the other day about having no concept of age because all my grandparents are late 70s, early 80s. I’ve been blessed to see longevity up close. The Lord has kept us, and is continuing to keep us. I needed the reminder to silence the anxious noise finally. God winks.

Only to be in a parking lot the next day, meeting a friend with her two littles, as we watched her car catch on fire. What a moment of application. Right place. Right time. The fire department came within seconds of the call. She and her boys are safe, and no one was hurt except the car. Keeping our eyes on Jesus. The God winks set the foundation for a moment where we tangibly see God’s hand in action. We could have been at the farm, like the day before, in the middle of nowhere, where it took the fire department longer to arrive. Or they could have been driving on the highway. So many could-haves, yet reality shows us that divine protection can still arrive in heartbreaking moments. Her car is a total loss, but her life is alive and well. God winks.

God winks find me when I need them the most, when I decide internally to go all in with what God sets before me. Where I’m honest about how my life is and how I’m feeling. I am no stranger to keeping it real. I will always be in awe of God’s keeping ability. He reminds us when we need it most, and we keep it alive by testifying so others can experience their own God winks, because faith comes by hearing.

When a God wink finds you, come back and share,

Janae Carlee